The real world....

"I have decieded that it is best for us to just be friends."
Who the hell says that to someone right after sex? What the hell kind of person would even come up with a line that hurtful and then deliever it right after that?
Well, I did.
But it was in a dream. I have been having the up most weirdest dreams lately. And now I'm going to share them with you.
Thats right! If you are a reader of this blog then I am sorry. I feel I need to share the dreams in the hope that I can understand them.

Good Bye Cruel World....

I needed to clean myself up. So lately I have been doing alot of soul searching. One thing I noticed is my myspaces. Fun as they where, I have outgrown the whole thing.
Don't get me wrong! I love myspace, I meant the whole whips and chains thing.
So now here I am. A new man. changed from the inside out. And no women did it for me, ( like some of my guy friends now married ).
There will still be the pocker night, I'm all about my texas hold'm.
And there will be a new myspace.

The Morning After......

Well, how was your Thanksgiving? Was it all you thought it was going to be? Or did the bottom drop out when your aunt ( who was on her ninth mixxed drink ) desided to show all the boys her new implants.
Me? O' I don't think so.... I learned my leason along time ago.
Family who only see each other once a year should not see each other at all. If that long lost family person hasn't called since last year that should mean you don't have to call them right? It's not like your on talking terms to begain with. There should be a six month buffer. If one of you haven't got off your ass and at lest made an effert to make some contact then it should be understold that the relationship is over.
So that brings me down to this year. I desided to mix it up. Play it safe. And injoy myself this year:
4 am: awake, up for work
6 am: at work
1 pm: off work, now home
( ok people let me explain somethink here. One of my friends stops by just as I'm pulling in the yard and invites me to their dinner. Where does he get the nerve right? " you shoulded be by yourself on thanksgiving" he says. And thats when I kindly explained to him that I wasn't alone if he is here. So we go into the hangout room ( garage ) and we have a mixxed drink.)
1:01 pm: DRINKING
( so back to my friend here. Well he has got to go so he leaves. Something about his family. And no sooner then he leaves I hear another god damn car ( minivan ) pull up. And you guessed it, it's another friend. She wants to know if I would like to go to her families house. Everyone there just loves me. ( she really needs a boyfriend ) And do what? NO NO NO. This is aday where your soppose to be happy right?)
1:45 pm: despite some really good effert, still at home and now alone
1:46 pm: let the power shots begain!!!!!!
2 pm: lit like the lamp
4 pm?: I stumble into house and nuke the pre-made meal from the day before. ( you can't say I didn't know this was coming) Chicken, mac-n-chez, mixxed veg's, and a pecan pie.
4:30 pm: sleeping
8 pm: I woke up and saw this movie on NBC called the Incedibles. It was ok.
11:30 pm: after the news I went back to sleep.

So I had areally good thanksgiving.
Can't wait for christmas......

She gets what she's got coming....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Power to the people......

Some things just take a long, really long time to sink in.

Sitting here I'm thinking what is power to the people really mean? I think that power is when you awake to realality and find yourself. Find yourself? Yes I think that I'm begining to get it. Soul searching has taking a back set for way to long.

I was watch the Today show ( NBC ) and they had this story about this little boy that had cancer. At 2 years old they didn't think he would live to see his next birthday. Now he is 7 and still fighting. A local high school football team has adopted him as their inspiration and before every game they all ralay around this little boy and shout:

"JUST WIN, BABY!!!!"

Remember that it is never over untill YOU give up.

Remember where we came from.

" I don't loose, because I don't choise too..."

~~~~Notorious B.I.G.

Check out this kids story.....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21755135/

There is a light at the end of the tunnel....

I have meant the perfect women!!!!!!!!!
In every way.....

Good Morning Everybody.......

I'm awake this morning and that kind of shocked me. I thought for sure that all that rum would stop my heart when I fell asleep.
Today is all about the voka!!!!!!!!!

Hello? Can I help you?

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mothership.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person.Well, my job is done .....Your turn! Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Depressed

Wish I had a girl friend. It would be nice to have someone to talk too.

Thinking....

So there's this guy, nice, well rounded, and a peacher.
Now normally I don't listen to "peachers" because I think what they have to say is full of shit. ( That's about as plainly as I can put it. ) Egos as big as their off-shore bank accounts and with no really interest about what the bible has to say, peacher are about as full of them selves as Paris Hilton.
But I going through the sations late one night because I couldn't sleep and run across this guy named Joel Osteen. I stopped because my mom was married to a Osteen and I now live in a city right out side Daytona Beach named Osteen. This little hole was started by the Osteen family way back when, and so there is alot of family ties here.
Anywhos.....
I stopped there because of his name, I stayed there because he made alot of since. So I have did alittle digging and looking around and way to much listen for my own good. The guy knows his stuff. As some of you know, I went to Moody Bible College so I know a thing or two about the Good Book. And this guy is about as bible baced as I'v seen in along time.
He has a new book coming out, and he's on the tv alot I see. But he is worth checking out.

Weight Room part 2

I think I can honestly say: I'm loosing interest in sex. After my last girl friend I just don't really feel the need anymore. Not that I'm having any problems with the equitement. I just don't feel the need anymore. It's allmost like a spiritaul death. The body still lives but the soul is gone.
It didn't happen all at once. It's been slowing going away. I don't even remember the last time I.... But this has become clear to me now. Someone had asked me if I put a sex swing in my work-out room. You know what? The thought didn't even cross my mind. As a matter of fact, I have alot of posters with half naked women on them and you know what? Not a one is on the wall.
This has made me think.
If man thinks of sex like every 7 sec, then what the hell has my mind been doing?
I'm going crazy....

Weight Room

Well, I have been really busy for the last two weeks. Not only is the company going through major changes, but I'v been trying like hell to get my work-out room done.
I am finished. With the major work. I took this old building, which has been in the back yard for God knows how long, and remoldied it. Reinforcing it completely. fixxed the walls. New floor, old on was so hard to get out!!!! And put up a new door.
I put in 3 long buffet tables, in like a _ patner. So now it's a hang out room too. I'm going to put a TV and computer out there. So me and the guys can watch football, drink beer, and talk about our feelings. Guy stuff.
But I'm happy now that all the major work is done. I'm not fixxing anything for a week!!!!

where I have gone.....

Well, so much have happened lately. The company I work for has been sold. In 30 days we will have a new ower. That will bring new ideas. New ways of doing stuff.

O' well.

I have been doing alot of neat and cool things with my camstream page.

Check it out and sign the guest book.

http://bigbadman.camstreams.com/

I guess I could go work for Blackwater:

Their starting pay is 900 a week.

Gives me something to think about......

I want too cry

Today I had 3 apples for breakfast.
Then I went to work and cut two pieces of toast in to six pieces and ate two of them pieces before I asked myself what the hell was I doing. The rest of it went into the trash.
Dinner was one of them little diet all-in-one meals. Healthchoise.
I ate it so f'en fast I don't remember what it was.
Some kind of beef I think.
If I go look at the box I'm sure I will eat it.

380 hits!!!!!

My first night on camstreams and I had 380 hits!!!!!!
You guys rock!!!!!
TL: Why didn't you talk to me!??! I saw you.

I did it!!!!!

BigBadMan is LIVE!!!!
http://bigbadman.camstreams.com
Tonight:
7:00pm-10:00pm eastern time zone, USA

Control

So we was "at work" yesterday. Full team in play, everything going real smooth. Weekends are the worse because of special events. So we were busy but like I said we had a full team so we were ok.
I wasn't the team leader. which is cool with me. I don't have ego issues. ( ok I may have some issues ) But it is nice to step back and let some one other then me run the show.
But I was standing at my post watching people come and go when I heard a co-worker come running up the hallway. I heard her shoes slip and then her hit the floor. I could hear her bones break. I knew it was bad before she screamed.
Now everything goes to hell. She wasn't running for no reason so that issue is coming up fast. And the team leader was IN THE BATHROOM!!! Thats ok, every one has to go. But I had to send someone to go get him. So that means I just lost another team member until he returns.
Not to mention, I got three team members trying to carry her out of sight and I'm standing there directing everyone, then it hits me. If I don't get every one back to their stations then we just may loose control over our assignment. So I start directing. I'm so proud of my team. Even know I was not the team leader they still did everything I said.
When the team leader did get there I told him to take over the issue and I would take over the team. So he called it in to the "boss" and called in a medic team to take her to the hospital.
So I'm there trying to run a short handed team and redirecting assignments, I got team members that kept going back to check on her, and I still had the issue that she was running to get help with in the first place. But we got it done! But by the time the "boss" got there I was just alittle stressed. So I may have been kind of yelling.
He tells me to quit yelling!!!!!
I tell him what I just went through to keep things going smooth. And the issues of team members that kept going back to check on her. I was like who wouldn't get stressed.
I am always in control.

Hey sexy Lamp.....

I planted this flower because she will not show her smile,

The world is now balanced.

Voices in my head

Have you ever been driving down the road and some animal runs in front of your car? You hear that voice "WATCH OUT!!!!!" Or how about when your at the store and you go by the candy " Oh that looks good, lets get it." ? Or "don't do it!". Or your talking to some rude sales person and that voice says " tell them to go to hell.". Or when your all alone at home, you haven't went outside for a day or week or so and that voice in the back of your head says " take the shotgun out of your mouth, it's not worth it."
Kidding about the last one.
But suriously. We all hear that voice. Some call it intuition.
But this is the real question:
When it comes to the voices, which would be worse?
Believeing the voices are real?
Or believeing they are not?

Man/Guy/Gay?????

I'm pissed.
I woke up in this girls' bed this morning feeling pretty good about my proformence ( yes I said PROformence ). She had to go to work this morning. So she is up and about walking around all happy. Walking slow but full of happiness. She asked me if I would like a cup of coffee. And thats when things went straight to hell.
She brings me what she calls "cafe latte" or "staight up latte".
What the F**K!!!! What the hell is that.
Let me explain something here: I AM A MAN
I am by far one of the manlyest mans you will ever meet. I cut the grass half lite, I have a garbage can in the yard just for beer cans ( recyleing bins to small for me and my friends), hell I have a refrigerator OUTSIDE just for beer and stuff so I don't have to go into the house, the back room is the "tool room" thats right I have a whole room just for my tools, and a shed outside ( why? because I can fix anything so I need the tools to prove it ). The whole garage is a workout room.
A mans man.
Then on top of this I got this going on. I have lost all this weight. Do you have any idea what that has done for my sex life? Thats right, I can bring it!!! Most guys can last what half hour? Maybe a hour if your lucky? Well now, I don't break a sweat until the first hour.
So do I look like I'm gay? Then why in the hell would you hand me a "latte"?
She said "it's the good stuff,".
NO NO it's NOT.
So think about this the next time you f**k someone.
Man/Guy/Gay?
Then hand him the right coffee!!!!

Ego Trip'n

Modestity, don't fall for the hip. It is the egoist that truely gets what he wants.
Yes I said egoist.
I tried to be a nice guy and I tried not to put myself above others. Evertime I try, somebody has to get themselves all f'ed up then they come runing straight to me asking for help.
How can I NOT put myself above others when they WANT me to boss them around?

Reality Dating Application

O.K. maybe that was alittle to much.
As you know, I have a medical reason for being this big. Now that I know what it is and I have fixxed the problem. I'm loosing the weight. 130 so far. Yeah!!!!
But here goes the thing:
I want to find a girlfriend before I loose all this weight. I want a women who will love me for me. I do not want to be sitting across the table one day looking into my wifes eyes and thinking to myself:
"You wouldn't date me when I was big, but there you sit, you said 'for better or worse', you are such a lier".....

Am I wrong here???????

Mr. Monkey Arms

I have been asked to put in my two cents on this topic:
This women is dating this guy that is kind of awkward. Well with his arms. I guess that he really doesn't know what to do with them. So I have been given three choises to choose from. One.dump him. Two, keep him. Or three, ( and by far the most disstrubing girls ) see if he is anygood in bed.
O.K. here we go....
See how this guy is around his family and friends. Does he have or not have the same problems around people he knows well. This will tell you one of two things. If he does have this "problem" around his friends then he will always be like that. If he doesn't ( does he hug his loved ones, play around with his guy friends ) then he is just that way with you. That means that this awkwardness will pass with time.
1) Dump him? If he is the same with everyone, and this bothers you then yes.
2) Keep him? If you think you can get use it it then yes.
3) ????? He just may have a "banana" Yes.
Now lets say that he is just awkward around you. That mean he finds so intising that he doesn't know what to do with him self.
1) Dump him? No, he will get over it.
2) Keep him? Where the hell is his confedence? NO.
3) ?????? If he is this awkward how do you think he will be in bed.
NICE
I can answer each question yes or no.
I'm not VOTING.

WHAT?

I have studied psychology for 8 years +. I believe that I have issues. And yes for you who really know me, you don't need to send me e-mails. I get it.
The reason behind this is that I want to understand people. Why they do the things they do. Mostly I really wanted to know me. Why I am the way I am, do the things I do, and where do I really want to go with my life. I feel that the better I understand "me" the better I can control myself.
So, as some of you know, I was not always such a nice guy. I have maybe done some bad things in my life. So I really wanted to know way. Want makes a person turn to a life of crime.
I have seen the devil.
I have became his best friend.
To really understand a psycho, you have to become one. To truely understand way he does the things he does you must think like them. You need to get inside his mind. Become him. Then you can understand the "why". And with this "insight" you can prodict him. Outthink him. Catch him.
I have been studying this for years.
It is called criminal profiling. Something that you may know something about. There are a line of T.V. shows. CSI-Criminal Minds ( love that name ) I can go on. It is nothing new. But I have been studying this way before the T.V. shows. I watch them and point out the things that don't match up. They do use real profilers to help write these shows but let me tell you this, they leave out so much.
Anyways my point:
I have started profiling the "normal" people around me so I can prodict them.
Control them.
I know this is wrong.
But I'm O.K. with that.

It's time...

You know what?!!? I'm going to try to apply my go to it attitude to this weight thing. I have never cared about it before and I guess that's why I'm at where I'm at. So... Lets see what we can do.

So I'v been thinking...

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men."
What is the path of the righteous? To follow the laws of God? I see the followers of God and what they "do" and I'm not shere I want to steal old peoples money or f**k little boys. I know thats not fair, so no hate mail please. But I don't think that I'm the righteous. And I'm not the selfish. But 'tyrannies of evil men' fits me like a glove. I am a tyrant. A control freak. A PROfectionist to the highest level. What I want to do I do. What I don't want to do I do care.( We have talked about that before). So I think that we all try to be the righteous,but we're not now are we? But when we try to be righteous thats when we face the hard ships of the world. The selfish and their one sided give me attitude. Or the I am in charge thinking of evil men.
"Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepards the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brothers' keeper and finder of lost children."
I am tried of trying to help people who don't want help. But for some reason I feel the need to open doors for girls or give directions, ect... I hold a door open for a women and I get one of them 'your a sexest ' looks. But if you want to know something, or want to learn who to do something then I'm your man. If I don't know how to do something I will go out and learn it so I can teach it to you. I would like to think of myself as blessed. I have alot of friends. And they all put up with my s**t.
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. "
Go ahead and do something to one of my friends. It hurts me when other people try to screw with my friends. This one time one of my friends stopped up at my job to have a beer with me after work. Well we went to the store in my car and then came back. We then notice a homeless guy walking away from my friends truck. To make a long story short. The guy had been in his truck, when we caught up to him down the road he lied about it. But when I was done with him, he admitted to it and apoligized to my friend.

"And you will know I am the lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

There are people out there that have issuess!!!!!!!

'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the
tyrannies of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepards
the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brothers' keeper and finder of
lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger
those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the lord
when I lay my vengeance upon you.'

I think that I'm starting to understand....

Well, I have given this a lot of thought and I have come to this conclusion:

There is something wrong with me.

You all know that reason I started this blog. Over a girl that mentally put her hands around my neck and chocked me. Figertively speaking. So I want to explore this. Passion it is called I guess. I'm going to say that I'm crazy.

Think about this. If I want to do something, then I do it. I don't let nothing get in my way.

"It can't be reasoned with, it can't be bargained with, and it will not stop. EVER!!"

-----Terminator

That is the words that go through me head when ever the going gets hard. But if I want something then no one or anything can truely stop me.

And there is the problem.

Because on the other side of this coin is the "I do not care"

I have a job. I care that I have this job because I know that I need the money to pay the bills. But I don't care about the job. I care that I have the job but don't care about the job. So I always show up for work and do what I need to do to get by. I'm late for work maybe once in every five years (yes I said 5 years ) and I call out sick even less then that. Because I need the job. If you try and get me fired, then I'll make it my business to run you down then out. Do anything that could get me in trouble that could lead me to get fired and we have problems. No, I'm sorry, you will have problems. I will have the solutions.

Do you understand?

I love food...

You should see me eat.

OMG

There are 6 team members. We run two when there is nothing really going on and four when we have to. If we need to we can "bring in" others from other departments. We try to keep two trainees in the wings.
I have no trainee's. And I lost two this weekend. We had to bring one back from retirement, he was working as a communication expert for AT&T. Because the other departments are all understaffed.
I'm not bitching,but DAMN!!!!
Have you been in this place before? Knowing your ass is going to be up against the wall and there is nothing you can do about it. What gets us up out of bed? What drives you?
What drives me?

Well, I will try one more time to explain this then I'm off to the next topic. I hope.

Years ago I seen this movie. The fast and the furious. Now I hope that you all have seen this flick. One hell of a movie. It moved a lot of people to do a lot of stupid things. Now I am not saying that street racing is new. My dad used to drag race his GTO on old backwoods streets. And he loved his Superbee. He would race the cops if they thought they could beat him.

Anyways, the point is this is not new. But when I saw that movie I was like hell I have just got to have one of them kind of cars. So I went to the car dealer and found one that I really liked:

Now I have it. It's mine. And I don't let no one drive it. This is a old pic and I have done work to the inside. But this is it.

So that leads us to this point. I seen something that I wanted so bad and I went out and made that happen. This is a problem I think. Now I don't do this all the time and I don't do this with every thing I see. I seen a lot of cars, ownd some, but it's not like I have to have every car I saw. But when I saw that movie I knew that I just had to have one of them suped-up street monsters. It was all I thought about. It was my world.

Don't get me wrong here. It's not like I now have the car I'm ok with it. Are you kidding me? I try to keep it as clean as I can. If I can, I will bye something to add to it. You should see the inside! Layed the f**k out!! With the biggest and badest sound system I could fit into it.

( now I just bragging )

The point is: I think that this level of "passion" is a problem.

It's time.....

I went to the hospital today. I was having problems with something. (Diabetes) So I had to weigh myself. For all of you who know me: No I did not gain all my weight back. For you guys that don't know me: I have lost 130 pounds in the last year and a half.
I'm not going to say how much I weigh, so don't ask, but I need to loose some more. So for now on I will post every two weeks how much I lost up to that point. so....
As of today: 00 pounds.... see me in two weeks....

What men want.....

Once again I'm lost. For those of you who know me you know that I talk to a lot of different women. Some good some bad. Some real bad :) I think the count is 300+. Now in all fairness I do not talk to all of them on a regular basis. But I try.
So this leads me to this: What the hell do men want!!!!!!
I have recenty meant this girl. Don't know her never meant her before. I just ran across her one day. I read her writing first. She is vary smart. Then I seen her picture. Vary beautiful. And then I talked to her. Her smile drove me up the wall !!! And then I find out she has the perfect job. I love intelligence.
So my world comes to a stop. I'm like, OMG. The perfect women.
WHAT... WAIT...HOLD THE HELL ON...
What am I saying? There's no way!
What is it in a mans soul that would stop him like this? Why her. I have meant alot of women. Why this one? What the hell is wrong with me? Yes that's it. There is some thing wrong with me. Now I feel dirty.
Now I must find this problem in my head and correct it.
I have heard of this before. I think it's called "love at first sight". Some people believe in it some don't. I don't really know. If I forget the "girl" here and focus on this problem I can understand it. I have to get control of this.
Yes this has happened to me before. The first time I layed eyes on a glock. That big beautiful gun. I held it for hours. So yes, there is a problem. It's called passion. I really hope this goes away. because it could lead into other issues.
I still have that gun.

Hello all. What lead me here? A girl. You surpriced? I'm not. I always do the stupided thing for girls. Why do men do that? No, really, WHY!??!
I don't know this chick. Never seen her before but now I want to start a f**king blog.
OMG!!!!!!
But that is how this all started. A piece of *****. Not fair to her (god I hope she don't read this or if she does she don't know I'm talking about her!). She is great. I don't even know her and I say that! What the hell happens in the male mind to drive him to this level?
See here. This is really f'd up. I am the type of man that can handle any sitution. I have trained others to do so. But when I meant a women that is just right I get weak knees. What the hell! I'm highly trained, totally self reliant, competely in control. You can place me anywhere in the world, in any sitution, and I can overcome. Adapt. And survive.
But if a women like this comes along and I fall apart. Why. This is a flew. This is the reason I got the assignments I did. And the reason I could never be promoted to the top even know I could do my job better then anyone eles.
Women. The fall of a great man, the end of a great opperative.